Last night after all the hoopla died down from the Giants game, and I tried so desperately to watch all the sports shows on the Super Bowl results as I could (but couldn’t because I was just too damned exhausted rooting for my beloved NY Giants) I fell asleep on my couch. When I awoke, the TV was on, the plays were still running from the game, and I realized that I had to get up in 3 hours and take my girls to school. Just before I went upstairs though, I cheked my Facebook Page and someone had posted this on it:
And in the moment that I read this, I understood what has been happening to me for the past few weeks with the cancer scare. Why my whole life has been a series of events that unfolded in a manner that on one level can be seen to be extremely tragic. But on another level it becomes something else…it becomes a gateway for the next phase of my life. The realization that as much as I want to change the world I cannot, at least not yet because I am not yet ready. I must first change myself; my inner core; the light of my own soul that I have just in this very moment realized that I saw with another person, and she shared her soul with me. It was back in college, we were 19 and we were exploring the possibility of getting involved (and believe me…I am SO not going into details about this beloved friendship because it is WAY too complex for even the Universe to understand, LOL). We had see light and warmth projected on the wall of her dorm room…and that was our souls moving outside of our body. The light, the core creature that we are inside this shell was allowed for just a few moments to exit, or a part of it was anyway. But in that instant I saw something I have never seen again since: myself. It went back into its shell and never came out again except on special occasions…like when my children were conceived. I knew they were just because I could sense something was different.
And now I am faced with a situation that has taken me years to understand: I must eliminate the dark negative places of my own self and then suffering in the world can end. I must awaken the sleeper that has lain dormant for almost 51 years and then I can begin to change the world. It doesn’t have to be on one big earth-shattering moment of change…just a small part of the overall picture…MY part of the overall picture. I need to start with myself; the journey can only begin if I go within and release the potential and that which is inside of me. The reason why no change happens is a lack of self awareness of a nature that is more profound than can be explained. Like that light on the wall. I may yet be very ill. I do not know, but I have just realized that it is important to empty myself of the darkness and transform within so that I can be a beacon for others to follow.
I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few months. I really don’t. There’s going to be days where my writing is a bit off, and you’ll have to excuse that because I might be a bit medicated. Buy my sincerity and belief in what needs to happen will always be honest and forthright. Time to begin again…
“If I take a lamp and shine toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes, we stand in front of the light and assume we are the center of the universe — God looks astonishingly like we do! — or we turn to look at our shadow and assume all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose — which is use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and all it flaws, and in so doing, better understand the world around us.” – J. Michael Straczinski