I Just Need A Small Bailout: A Letter To My Favorite Uncle

Dear President Bush, Senator Reid, and Speaker Pelosi:

As an American taxpayer who has faithfully paid his creditors on a timely basis and has never had a late mortgage payment in ten years, I am requesting a total of $200,000 to pay the balance of my mortgage and my home equity loan.

I have survived the September 11th Attacks on the World Trade Center, and as a result, have been declared mentally disabled due to Acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  My wife is a Registered Nurse who works a scheduled 36 hour week in 3 -12 hour shifts.  She never leaves the hospital on time, because Federal Budget cuts have required the State of New Jersey to also scale back it’s funding.  As a result, many hospitals have been forced to close their doors, and hospitals are severely overcrowded.  This forces my wife to work an average of two to three hours longer than her scheduled shift each day she works.  As a result, she has less time to spend with her family, which you cannot put a price tag on.

The funding I am requesting will alleviate our monthly budget expenses greatly, thus enabling us to save for our children’s college education; which we cannot do now because we are also being taxed to death.  If the State of New Jersey could tax your every breath the would; they almost taxed toilet paper about 15 years ago…and that cost a Governor his job.

I am also requesting an annual amount of $8,000 for my property taxes for the next 20 years.  The total expenditure is $360,000.

My reasons for requesting this amount are simple: my wife and I have played by the rules, and done the right things for all of our married lives.  We even kept the economy moving by purchasing consumer goods that kept other people in their jobs, just like President Bush asked us to do shortly after 9/11.

I would also like to be compensated in some small way for the loss of my mental capabilities due to your ineptitude at protecting the American People from a terrorist attack that never should have happened in the first place.  I would also like to have some of my taxpayer money back from that war in Iraq that was supposed to pay for itself by the sale of oil from that country’s Government.  They are currently running a large surplus at this time, and I’m sure that given the fact we freed them from a tyrannical dictatorship, they wouldn’t mind helping me out because of their eternal gratitude for the Freedom we provided them thanks to the brave men and women of our Armed Forces; over 4,000 of whom have sadly died.

I would also like this compensation because you have yet to catch those parties responsible for the reprehensible attack on American soil.  I find it quite amazing that our Intelligence Services and technology can’t locate a 7 foot Arab dragging a dialysis machine behind him through rocky terrain.  I think I am asking for a small amount relative to all that I have been through in the past seven years, and despite that; managing to pay all my bills and taxes on time.

You may feel free to credit the amount of $360,000 as a direct deposit to my checking account.

Sincerely,

An American Citizen Who Did The Right Thing.