First out of the gate: I’m delaying those last two “Republic” pieces a few days because I need more time to dot the “i”‘s and cross the “t”‘s. It’s the only responsible thing to do; I would expect the same if someone were doing a piece on my vast and varied background, factual or commentary. It’s the most honorable thing I can do for what has become a dishonorable campaign led by a dishonorable man. I will definitely have other daily entries while I’m finishing off those last two pieces of the series…trust me.
Time to reply to the mailbag:
@Cartoon Pig Dog: Yeah, good point! The race already is in the toilet. I was just being optimistic! @Fiona: Corporate Canada is just the same as Corporate America, make no doubt about that…just colder (pun intended). @daMama: Thank you for the compliment on my writing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to put pen to paper (in this case fingers to keyboard) and just let it all flow. This election has given me purpose, no doubt spurred on by the dangerous selection of Sarah Palin as VP choice. I have to say something, or I could never forgive myself. @KSinMA: It’s just not me being a messenger after surviving 9/11. There are others, they just don’t realize it yet. Rest assured, they will when the time is right. @Barbara: The greatest crime we can commit as Human beings is silence in the face of inhumanity; that will damn us as surely as if we committed the act ourselves. @Swineprincess (a/k/a/ my most active commenter): I think you say everything best yourself, how much more can I possibly add except to say thanks for continuing the conversation.
To All Of You Who Offered Support And Inquired How I’m Doing Now: Thank You. Those comments meant a lot to me and helped me get through was it always a very difficult day. A most special thanks to a few fellow Survivors who wrote me and shared their stories. We each have our own tale of that day and we were there for a reason. I think I have found mine; I hope you have found yours and if not, I hope your journey will take you there.
As for those asking how am I doing now, I do the best I can on a day to day basis; and I’m kept busy by playing Daddy to two wonderful girls. I watch lots of old TV programs with them from my youth (“Lost In Space” went over like gangbusters with my youngest) and more recent shows (“Babylon 5” with my oldest. I have a great story or two about this experience for another post down the line). NY Giants football is always THE event on Sunday in the house. All calendars are adjusted well in advance to reflect the time of the games and what we can do and where we should be going on whatever day they are playing on. On one hand I have what can best be termed a normal life; but in another way I am in a constant struggle with myself.
After the attacks, I was diagnosed with Acute PTSD and several years after that Bi-Polar Disorder. Right around the same time, I admitted I was an alcoholic and gave up the booze that had essentially become my refuge, my lover, and my spiritual well. I do not travel long distances, because I have a certain comfort zone I like to stay within close to my home. I do not like big crowds and have not set foot in (what used to be my beloved) NYC since Februrry 2005. Often I will go food shopping at crazy hours to avoid the crowds. I have mood swings that rival those of John McCain…and that’s primarily why I feel he should not be elected. I fight the urge to have a drink on some days, and on others I will be very happy with my Coca Cola, thank you. I sometimes get lost in a conversation and will completely “drop out” in mid sentence or completely forget what I was just talking about. (This coming from a man who used to have a photographic memory). I have peaceful nights and I have horrible nights sleeping. I’ve now developed two bulging and degenerative discs in my back…and the list goes on. At least I still look damned good for a 47 year old guy, huh?
Through all of this my only refuge and my only way my brain is able to function and concentrate is through writing and playing music. Music, because it’s instinctual and has no language; it’s emotional and can bring things out of me that I cannot express verbally or on a page. Writing is important to me because instead of dropping out of a conversation, I can stop and look back at what I wrote and pick up a thought. I remain focused when I write. I’m quite articulate at small social gatherings (just make sure you buy enough soda or Perrier), but after a while I will get very tired and become very non-conversive.
My daughters think I’m nuts writing like this all of the time now. My youngest asked me yesterday, “Daddy, why do you write so much?”
“I’m saving the world, darlin’…saving the world”. If she only knew.
NOTES TO MY FELLOW BLOGGERS: I’ll be updating (and re-organizing) my links section shortly, and I will most assuredly link back to you who have done so for me and/or requested that I do for you. We are all either crazy or the only sane ones on the planet…but my, what a diverse bunch we are! AKM: Keep fighting the good fight, and stay safe.
ONE FINAL, CRAZY NOTE: Some of you might remember part of the title of this post from a segment of “Rocky & Bullwinkle”. I’ve made a few passing references to the program here and on other blogs…how can you not? When I was looking for a title for the post and fan mail…well, once again R&B prove immortal!
TOMORROW: Never Knows
“If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth… for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search – who does not bring a lantern – sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light… pure and unblemished… not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe – God looks astonishingly like we do – or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us.” -Citizen G’Kar (Babylon 5/jms)